Maybe One Day
by LEMONedy
Summary: A fic spanning across all three Mass Effect game, it chronicles Kaidan and Shepard's relationship from their first kiss to their nights together on the Normandy, and finally to the ending of the third game. Rated for sexual content, because I don't know how to read the rules.
1. Intai'sei

I.

Intai'sei was almost always beautiful.

The long stretches of deserts, bathed in the Phoenix cluster's swelteringly hot sun at almost all hours of the day was a mesmerizing sight. Staying cooped up in an air-conditioned rover, with the windows cracked, the sun roof letting that radiant light in to be enjoyed. Such was Commander Shepard and Staff Lieutenant Kaidan's time off, driving about the Earth-like planet.

Shepard had demanded a week to himself. Of course, the Reapers were coming, but he pushed aside that dark, looming cloud unexpectedly. He wanted a break. The Alliance could easily look out for themselves without his aid, for one week, at least. Anderson had reluctantly granted his leave, and immediately Shepard asked his best friend, Kaidan Alenko, to join him during the time off.

So there they were, nearly at a ninety degree angle on the side of a rocky cliff-side, Kaidan feeling like he was going to vomit, and Shepard laughing his ass off. "Do you really need to go up everything you see?" Kaidan groaned, his neck tilted up towards the cracked window, trying to drink in that fresh air.

"Come on, Alenko, where's your sense of adventure?" Shepard smiled, revving on the gas to try and get them to the top.

"I lost it after the first fifty mountains you tried to climb. Can we just go back to your place, please?" Kaidan bitched some more. They had been roaming for hours, pushing the worries of the Reaper threat to the back of their minds, enjoying each other's company. A refreshing feeling.

John Shepard drove with both hands on the wheel, shirtless, shoulders up, sturdy, and face forward. Alenko, on the other hand, kept a tight muscle shirt on, his pectoral and abdominal muscles on near full display. The silence was comfortable, the soft winds picking up were pleasurable, and the rocks and dust still managed to be interesting. Something so normal was making the two of them as happy as they could have ever dreamed, and they still had nearly an entire week left to each other.

"Oh, shit!" Shepard gasped, pulling back on the thrusters of the rover, not realizing what a mistake that was when they were slowly sliding off the side of a goddamned cliff.

"Dammit- Shepard!" Kaidan yelled, grabbing at the dashboard as the vehicle flipped in the air, falling into the sand. The older of the two, of course, hadn't been wearing a harness, and crashed right into the lap of his Spectre companion as they collided into the desert floor.

Shepard was still laughing at the situation, Kaidan's look of horror as they started flying off the rock. Neither of them were hurt, of course, making his chuckles a little more light-hearted- not that Kaidan thought highly of the reaction.

"Asshole, you could have gotten us killed!" He hit Shepard's thigh angrily as he tried to clamor his self up from the uncomfortable position; Kaidan's face pressed against his commander's sticky with sweat abdomen, his legs uncomfortably twisted underneath his startled body.

Shepard smirked in response, raising his arms to allow Kaidan to untangle himself. He shook his head, eyebrows knit, enraged at what he could only assume was the still smiling man. "And you're not even helping me up, seriously, you try and kill me and you just sit there, great to know, real gre-" Kaidan brought his face up to Shepard's as he finally freed his legs, ready to hop back into his seat, but stopped. Shepard's warm breath washed over him, and his eye seemed to sparkle in that desert sun. His breath was laboured, the heat had been getting to them both. Their gaze never broke.

"Great to know..." Kaidan finished ranting, moving his arm onto the side of Shepard's head rest, so he could push himself back on the other side of the rover, to at least pretend he hadn't seen those wandering blue eyes. Shepard wouldn't allow it, and grabbed the staff lieutenant's wrists firmly. Those wandering blue eyes. They were filled with sincere want, and Kaidan found himself becoming overtaken by the passionate gaze. "John, what... What are you doing?" He whispered, their faces now so close, one of them just had to slightly extend their lips to steal a kiss.

Shepard held Kaidan's wrists, remaining silent as he moved in, brushing his lips against his captive's cheek. "Sir..." Kaidan whispered, eyes fluttering shut at the intimacy.

"Are you okay?" Shepard asked, folding his arms gently around Kaidan's small waist, planting a kiss on his ear. He breathed heavily in response, shifting himself uncomfortably. "Yeah, I'm fine, just... Lemme' sit." He chuckled nervously, trying to escape Shepard's painfully wonderful touch.

"Yeah, sure." He responded, pulling away, putting on the same neutral expression and tone of voice he was famous for.

Kaidan grimaced as put his harness on, glancing over at Shepard. The way that sheen of perspiration covered his perfect body was making Kaidan's head swim. He was regretting pulling away now, he thought absent-mindedly as Shepard kept driving through the sand. He certainly looked like he was willing to go farther, and that was not just a friendly gesture among friends.

Kaidan's smoking hot best friend, first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel, wanted him. And while it felt completely wrong, that taboo of being in the military, of both being men that hardly knew each other over a year, of being outranked- he wanted it so bad now that it had evidently become a possibility. He knew better, though, and Shepard was younger, and more reckless. He had to keep the level head, he had to stand his ground and say "No, Shepard, we're just friends."

But he had wanted him so bad ever since he first laid eyes on him. And he feared that he would be breaking a lot of Alliance regulations if he was to spend another second with Shepard.


	2. Shepard's Apartment

II.

Kaidan was stretched out on the long, white couch. It was never particularly comfortable, but he loved the view he got, the reddening sky through the gargantuan window as the sun set for the day. It was almost as breathtaking as Shepard himself; the man sure had an eye for good decore.

Simplistic, and sophisticated. A small smile spread over his face as he rested his interlocked fingers behind his head. He was still mulling over thoughts of him and Shepard being a thing, sighing gently to himself as he fantasized over long walks on the beach, late night cuddling, candle-lit dinners, the works.

He could see it, too. Shepard made apparent earlier there were some feelings there after groping him in the mako- whether that was lust or not was anyone's guess. If Kaidan was able to stop being such an Alliance hardass, he would be able to reveal his long-hidden feelings. But, no, Lieutenant Alenko? Getting it on with his commanding officer? Sure, it was an appealing thought, but he couldn't act on it unless he quit the Alliance for good.

That wasn't happening any time soon.

"Kaidan." Shepard called out from the table, polishing up his M8 Avenger, never taking his eyes away from it. Kaidan responded with a sleepy grunt. "It's getting pretty late. Did you want me to ride you back to the colony, grab you a hotel room?"

Kaidan flipped onto his stomach, looking back at Shepard, still going at his gun with a cloth. "You're kicking me out?" Kaidan half-joked. He figured the man never would have never asked if he hadn't semi-embarrassingly groped him earlier that day, so he tried to keep things light, as if he didn't care, as if the closeness of that kiss was nothing.

Shepard set his gun down lightly, pausing. "No, I just didn't think you wanted to stay the night." Kaidan bit his lip, getting as comfy as he could on the couch.

"I'll stay." He replied, trying his best not to sound desperate to be in his company.

Unbeknownst to Kaidan, Shepard smiled a shy, secret smile to himself. The thought of Kaidan being near him while he slept made his heart flutter in a way he didn't think a man, especially a war-hardened military man, was capable of doing so.

"I'm going to call it in for the night." Shepard announced, undressing himself down to his tight underwear. "Need anything before I'm asleep?"

Kaidan got up to his feet, cracked his back while bending backwards, and let out a satisfied groan after turning around to face him. "Yeah, maybe a pillow or two. A blanket."

Shepard was leaning against the room divider, hips askew as he looked the LT over. He couldn't even bring himself to compliment the way Kaidan's body looked underneath that tight, sleeveless shirt. His meek persona was beginning to drown him, and all he wanted to do was forget his position as commander, take him in his arms, and kiss the ever loving hell out of him.

Shepard, too, had had those feelings of absolute love and desire for Kaidan, watching the lieutenant keep to himself from across the Med Bay, his constant nervous fidgeting, as if he felt uncomfortable on the Normandy, how he'd only ease up slightly when being talked to by his commanding officer.

It was sweet, and endearing, and Shepard wanted it.

They locked gazes, Kaidan only somewhat taken aback when he saw Shepard's mostly nude form. "I don't have any extra bedding, it's always just me." Shepard admitted, his emotionless gaze failing to falter. Kaidan tried to chuckle off his growing arousal at the bare, toned legs of his friend. He just stood awkwardly. "Right... I'll be fine without, then."

With that, he hitched his leg up onto the couch yet again, and laid down on his back. "That's okay, I can sleep on the couch just fine." He tried to hide the flush in his cheeks. Shepard standing naked beside him, offering to do whatever he wanted. His head was swimming, and he just wanted to lay back, and forget the man was ever there. He squeezed his eyes shut.

Shepard never left, though. He stood by the couch, waiting, wanting. "You're free to bunk with me." He boldly stated, breaking the silence. Kaidan's face was near scarlet.

"Yeah? Probably better than the living room furniture, it kind of sucks." He chuckled in response. Keeping things light. Making it sound like he didn't want in those skin-tight undergarments that outlined his larger-than-average-sized cock in an incredibly flattering way.

There was that shy smile on Shepard's face again. "Right. I'll just be in bed, then." He kicked his bare foot against the floor, shifting his weight from one side to the other, hoping Kaidan would follow. Acknowledge. Something.

Kaidan arched his back, raising his hips off the couch as his arms came above his head. "Yeah. Gimme' a few." And, like a kid on Christmas Eve, Shepard hopped back into bed, excited for whatever would happen next. Had he really just agreed to join him in bed? This was so wrong. So, so wrong.

He laid on top of his double bed, pulling sheets over top of his bare chest, fluffing the pillow until it felt just right, fidgeting in nervous anticipation. His breathing remained steady, his face not even bearing a smile. All he could do was wait it out- wait for Alenko's heavy hand to press against the mattress as he'd crawl under the sheets, and sleep beside him. Calm, John. Calm.

He laid like a plank, eyes shut, hands laid over his belly, lips parted just barely. It was just a sleepover. Like he used to do as a young boy on Mindoir- going over to a friends' place, cuddling up in their bed after looking at dirty pictures on the extranet and playing Galaxy of Fantasy for hours. The only difference was the want swirling in his belly and his bunk mate was someone he absolutely yearned for.

Minutes passed like days as Kaidan finally crawled casually into the bed, bare chest and loose cotton pants hanging low on his hips. "Shepard." Kaidan whispered, confirming whether or not he was still awake. Shepard cracked an eye open, smirking as he watched him get under the covers. "You look good." Not so subtle that time.

Kaidan paused, before settling himself on his side. "Thank you. So... Uh. So do you..." His voice was breathy, husky, almost shaking now. Shepard had lust in his eyes. Pure lust, and he knew that he shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't be in his bed. he shouldn't be allowing two firms hands on either side of his waist, rubbing up and down his sides. He shouldn't be slipping under the sheets and making himself comfortable.

"Shepard..." Kaidan whispered in half-hearted protest, Shepard's palms flattening out against his backside. "Alenko?" Shepard muttered back, hot breath hitting his already reddened face. "We shouldn't. We really shouldn't..." His voice sounded almost foreign, maybe whiny, or desperate. Shepard was squeezing, now, grabbing handfuls of ass through sleep pants as he eye-fucked him into submission.

"Shhh." Shepard silenced, worshipping Kaidan's ass under his fingers.

"We can't do this..."

"Watch me."

"John, no-" His voice got caught in his throat, John leaving a small kiss on Kaidan's cheek.

"Kaidan, yes." His tongue was out now, licking his ear affectionately.

Kaidan's quickening, heavy breath didn't cease, neither did Shepard's grabby hands, and full lips. He tongued Kaidan's earlobes, purposefully making noise to try and drive Kaidan up the wall.

It was working.

Their quiet noises of passion were interrupted after Shepard began sucking and kissing the skin behind Kaidan's ear; not fair. "Nooo...!" He cried, entire body writhing and shuddering. Kaidan managed to get his hands on Shepard's chest, pushing him gingerly away. "We can't. Alliance soldiers." He was trying to remain stern. Level-headed. Shepard was melting away his cool exterior hard and fast.

The commander's lips were swollen and pouty as he looked back with passionate, fiery eyes. Neither of them wanted to stop, and Shepard was almost smirking, fully aware of this fact. He knew what the other one was thinking. He felt his hard-on while groping him, he saw the desperate look in his eyes, the hesitation to pull away.

"We'll have it your way." Shepard gave in, soft smile still on his face as he retreated his arms to his sides, letting his eyes close. And then nothing.

Kaidan couldn't stop looking at those lips. They had a lot more colour in them then they did during the day. They looked warm, and inviting. The orange monitors mounted by the bedside hummed quietly- the only other sound in the room aside from Shepard's breathing.

He looked so kissable right now. Kaidan had never thought that about anyone before, and he couldn't resist. One little kiss. It'd be nothing- just in between friends. They'd both get over their flash-in-the-pan crushes soon, nothing like a little lip locking between good friends. Right?

"John..." Kaidan just barely whined as he leaned over his relaxed face, brushing his mouth over Shepard's. They both moaned, Shepard's eyes flicking open as he watched a desperate Kaidan taste him. Their tongues tangled together in a fight for dominance that Shepard ultimately won over.

Just one kiss, Kaidan was repeating in his head as it deepened, Shepard's tongue exploring his wide open mouth, sucking on his own experimentally. The older biotic's body shivered, the waves of pleasure overcoming him as Shepard pushed Kaidan's head into the pillows, revelling in the passionate exchange.

Kaidan moaned again, louder, practically begging for more, causing Shepard to pull away. They breathed hard, both trying to catch the air they needed. Kaidan's stunned, half-lidded eyes gazed up at his commanding officer. He looked beautiful in the starlight and the faint glow of the orange monitors present all throughout the room.

"You look good, Alenko." Shepard smiled, placing a kiss on his forehead before laying back down. Kaidan's chest heaved as he slowly turned his head to him with an embarrassed smile. "Yeah. So do you." He offered, voice thick with arousal. It was friendly, and comfortable. Their close relationship didn't even feel strained or awkward, just a little different.

Not that a kiss and a grope meant much. Kaidan's head leaned towards Shepard's, hitting his shoulder somewhere along the way. Shepard turned over on his side, holding the staff lieutenant in his arms. The gesture seemed so small, but Kaidan's heart was melting as he laid there being spooned by the man he so admired. "Good night, Kaidan." Shepard offered.

Kaidan smiled, adjusting so his hips fit perfectly into the curves of Shepard's, his back staying flat against his chest, Shepard's hand lay supportively over his almost exposed waist.

No more words had to be spoken, as they both stayed lost in their own thoughts, of life, of the future, of anything. The steady beat of their heart's matched, and Shepard could swear at that moment in time the Gods or Goddesses, or whoever was up there, had specifically made the two men for each other.

For that moment in time, that small first kiss, first touch, first sleepover, there was nothing but them in the galaxy, and that was how it had been intended from the beginning. It almost felt like love in its most concentrated sense.

He hadn't felt happier in his life.

And with a serene look on his tired, dark face, neither had Kaidan.


	3. Omega

III.

Horizon was a disaster. Kaidan's emotions ran high as he sat in some sleazy Omega bar- he couldn't remember the name. He hated the feel of the place; the pounding music, the screaming, animated dancers, the only thing it was all good for was giving him a splitting headache and a lot of alcohol.

Shepard.

That bastard. Joining up with Cerberus of all people? Kaidan motioned for the turian bartender to pour him another round. How could he do that, after what they'd been through? His head hurt harder as he grabbed his new glass of whatever the hell he was drinking, and knocked it to the back of his throat.

He was getting wasted. He didn't care. His glass was full again, and in his mouth before his face dropped to the bar, cheek pressing flat against the smooth surface. Who knew what kind of bacteria was lurking there. In a place as dirty as this, it could be anything. Normally he'd avoid it, stay cautious, on his toes in a place as sketchy as this.

Kaidan couldn't bring himself to care.

He thought of how unwell Shepard looked on Horizon. His face had new scars, and his eyes had begun emitting a sort of mechanical glow from his reconstruction. Was he even human anymore? Probably not, he was dead for two years after all. Kaidan choked on a sob, wanting nothing more than the man he loved to be back with him. But, Cerberus? He couldn't do it. He didn't want any part of that.

Kaidan let out a groan, his stomach churning from the liquor and heart-wrenching thoughts of a life where there was another Shepard in the galaxy, but not his Shepard. He let out another pathetic, whimpering noise, wanting nothing more than to be in his bed, with his lover, face against his groin, inhaling his scent. He'd love to be happy again.

What was he thinking?

What was I thinking?

Before he knew it, he had wandered off, and his body was slumped in the corner. The corner of... it looked like some sort of back room. Where one would escape the dancing and drinking to just sit back. There were windows, looking out over the industrial landscape, all the hustle and bustle of the Omega slums. The room was occupied- four krogans standing around talking with each other, and two human females cuddling on the couch. They were pretty, Kaidan observed, struggling to get back on his feet.

"Human." One of the krogans grunted, nodding in Kaidan's direction. The pain from his skull had numbed his senses for the moment, leaving all the noises of the nightclub just a dull buzz. His vision was blurring, as the beast advanced towards him. He didn't look threatening, but he still didn't look like he was looking to be friends either. Kaidan groaned, tripping over his feet when he started backing up. The large, scaly hand of the krogan caught him by the shoulder, propping him up.

He laughed heartily, patting Kaidan firmly on the back. It hurt. A lot. "Had enough to drink there, huh!" He was loud and boisterous. His friends were laughing along with him. Kaidan didn't understand the situation, his surroundings, the huge-ass alien eyeing him up and down. Kaidan's mouth hung open, and could not realize he had drunk himself into a complete stupor. "I... Guh- uh... Whaaaat...?" He mumbled, eyes half-lidded. He wanted to go back to Intai'sei.

"Hey, now. What about you and I go someplace cozier and have a little fun?" The krogan offered, rubbing circles on Kaidan's armoured back. "I-I..." No, of course he didn't want that. He wanted to leave, have a cold shower, hide in Shepard's bed until his headache was gone, and cry himself to sleep.

"I want Shepard." Kaidan whined, falling into the krogan. He was big. Bigger than most. He looked old, too, about the same age Wrex probably was. Less scarred, though. He didn't look like a soldier at all compared to the krogan he'd ran into in the past- his armour seemed much too stylish and comfortable. Really comfortable, Kaidan noted when he began nuzzling his face into the chest of the alien. The closeness of another body was refreshing.

The krogans were laughing, louder. The music was louder. Everything was louder. Kaidan cried out, as the alien holding him by the shoulder began to drag him somewhere else. There was a flair of blue light, surging to Kaidan's fingertips. The power was shocking, and all eyes were on them now after hearing the tell-tale noise of a biotic flash. "No..." Kaidan cried out, tearing his arm away, falling back on his plush buttocks from the sudden movement.

"Don't... No- stay away." Kaidan mumbled, not making eye contact. His arms laid loosely in his lap, and his entire body felt heavier. He looked up pathetically from his spot on the floor.

That krogan wasn't leaving. It was just standing there, looming over him. Nobody in the room was leaving- all of their eyes were on Kaidan, his tear-streaked face, his disheveled hair. Now the krogan was looking like he was going to charge. "Nobody says no to a krogan warlord." It snarled.

Warlord? You look like a fucking salarian queen compared to the krogan warlords I've killed!

Or that's what he was thinking of saying, anyways. "War-" Kaidan began, cut off by the giggling of the two women on the couch.

"Come here." The alien growled. He grabbed Kaidan by the scruff of his neck, and held him up off the ground, toes just barely brushing the floor. Kaidan tried to summon forth his biotics, but he could only muster sparks that's only purpose was for tickling your partner in the bedroom.

He met the krogan eye to eye, trying to stare it down. Like that was going to work. The krogans on the other side of the room began whooping again, the women on the couch chuckling softly. The biotic was lowered to the floor again- not very gently. He looked down, ready to boost himself up on his feet again, before a hand curled its way into his hair and pulled.

Kaidan's face was suddenly pressed into krogan balls- all four testicles. "Ugh-" He groaned, disgusted, trying to get away from the stench of alien genitals.

"Blow me."

"No. No, never, I dun... I dun wanna'..." Kaidan's voice failed him, as his face nudged the appendage. It was rough, and hot, and probably angrier than the actual krogan it was attached to.

"Suck me, human."

"Agh- no..." Kaidan's tongue was instinctively running up the shaft while he spoke. It tasted gross, sour and musky. He didn't know much about krogan cum, either, but it probably wasn't good for him, and he didn't want to have it splattered all over him. With four testicles, too, there was bound to be a lot of it.

"Go... 'way." Kaidan managed to use his words once again. Everyone in the room burst out laughing, now. There was a few other people in the doorway now, too, just standing and watching. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Kaidan choked, his mouth trying to suckle the tip of the krogan member.

"Suck, or I'll fucking break your neck." The krogan sneered, balling up a fist in Kaidan's hair, pulling it fiercely.

"U-Unn, no...!" Kaidan cried, tears pouring from his eyes as he lapped at the cock desperately. He wanted to cry for help, but the audience only urged him on. His head was pounding. The music was pounding. The laughter was worse. He didn't want to this. He didn't want do this. I don't want to this.

"I... I dun wannaaa'..." Kaidan ached, engulfing the tip of the member in his mouth, swirling his barely trained tongue over the rough bumps and edges. It felt never-ending, the krogan grunting in frustration as Kaidan tried so hard to do a good job so he could keep his neck intact.

The krogan finally made a noise of disgust, slapping Kaidan hard across the face. He cried out, falling to the floor in a heap, his biotics briefly going off in self defense, trying to conjure up a barrier and failing.

"I've gotten better blowjobs from vorcha!" The krogan shouted, spitting on Kaidan's face before jerking off onto his limp body. Half a gallon of semen, at least, oozed over the nearly skin tight armour Kaidan had been sporting. "Get out of here." He snarled, joining the others of his kind on the opposite side of the room.

Kaidan wanted to 'get out of here', more than anything. I want Shepard, the thought raced through his head. He wanted to get out of here, and he wanted Shepard. As he rose, thick cum dripped off his black, shiny medium armour. The multispecies crowd roared with laughter as they slowly began dissipating, less amused now that the human boy was up and didn't have lizard dick in his mouth anymore.

It hurt everywhere. This would be all over the extranet in minutes, and his reputation as top Alliance brass would be ruined, along with his less important armour. He stumbled towards the exit, knowing how pathetic he looked- face smeared with a krogan loogie, and fat, heartbroken tears , hair a perfect mess, alien spunk dripping off of him as he walked into the hoards of people.

It made him sick. He made himself sick. While trying to choke back another sob, Kaidan gagged and doubled over, puking out the contents of his stomach all over what was probably the dance floor. He couldn't tell where he was or what was going on anymore, other than that he needed to get out.

He sat on his knees, keeled over as he dry heaved, eyes burning, brain throbbing. He vomited once more, from the pain, the humiliation, the alcohol, and probably other things that could have also cause nausea. He dragged his knees through his own sick, trying to get up while adding another nice mixture of body fluid to his armour.

A turian made it's way to Kaidan's side, offering a hand, singling itself out as the only compassionate being in the club. Kaidan returned with a half-smile. "Thh... Thank you." He whispered, probably unable to be heard over the electronic, techno, hipster whatever music that was thumping away endlessly.

"Kaidan."

The sentinel's eyes widened. He coughed out some phlegm, swiping desperately at his eyes, trying to prevent his blurring vision. Of course there was something that'd make the whole situation worse.

"Shhhh... Shepar- John. John..." He slurred, staring at the man himself, standing proud and tall behind him. He was accompanied by Tali and Garrus. Good to see even more familiar faces.

"What the Hell are you doing?" He snarled, full, kissable lips curling up in disgust. His face looked all the more intimidating with those eyes of his glowing in the dark club.

"John, I... I need y-" Kaidan tried to talk without bursting into tears, breathing heavier. "Dun' leave." He murmured, looking up at the commander with a heartbroken, dirtied face. And, for a moment, in return, he could see that loving, compassionate gaze, full of hope and strength that he knew so well.

It faded quickly. "Krogan blowjobs, huh? That's how you get your kicks these days?" Shepard snapped, arms crossed across his chest. Tali and Garrus were shifting uncomfortably. "Shepard, let up, it looked like he was being attacked. I mean, it's Alenko." Garrus tried talking down that angry glare John was wearing. That didn't help much.

"I can't believe you. You sicken me." Shepard snarled.

"John...?" Kaidan blinked in disbelief.

They looked at each other, exchanging passionate gazes. "Don't leave." Kaidan begged again. John's heart couldn't take it, though, he couldn't handle another rejection from Kaidan, and he turned away before he found himself falling in love all over again.

"Take care of yourself." Shepard gritted angrily before jabbing Garrus in the side, telling him wordlessly to leave. The pair sauntered off, pushing through the crowds of people and aliens.

"Don't leave..."

Tali fidgeted her fingers quickly, looking back at Shepard and Garrus, making sure she could catch up to them. Carefully she put her hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "It will be okay." She encouraged, shocking Kaidan slightly. He never thought of Tali to be the caring and concerning type, but, then again, he was really drunk, and could have been completely misjudging her.

"Wha'..." Kaidan groaned back at her, teetering from side to side.

"He loves you. He really does. Don't give up hope." She smiled from behind her helmet, and scurried off after the commander.

He loves me? Then why does he make me feel this way?

The last thought of Kaidan's before he passed out in his own bile was how jealous he was of Garrus and Tali, and how they were still able to stand by his side.

How they could still be trusted.

How they could still be loved by him.


	4. A Good Day

IV.

Horizon was a disaster. Omega was a disaster. Hell, Kaidan's life was turning out to be a disaster.

Shepard's place on Intai'sei hadn't been occupied for at least a year. Coming back to it was like seeing a ghost; like seeing Shepard alive after he'd been dead for so long. The place was unchanged. Abandoned.

The bright screens that once bothered him during the nights had flickered out since his last stay, and the weapons in his locker remained untouched aside from being coated in a fine layer of dust.

The plants had wilted, too. Shepard loved those plants. He probably didn't anymore, though. Maybe he didn't love anything anymore, at least nothing that he used to. Maybe he didn't love Kaidan at all anymore.

Wallowing in self-pity was never his favorite thing to do, but he sure was getting good at it lately.

Frustrated, he went into the hallway, opened up the weapons locker, and with gentle, loving fingers, fished out Shepard's old Avenger. It was a gorgeous gun, so powerful, so used. It had seen a lot of action while the SR-1 travelled the galaxy- while the SR-1 was still intact. He remembered it firing off at geth, mercenaries, pirates and the like. Hell, even a Thresher Maw at one point, when Shepard began to worry the mako might blow up if they got hit one more time, so it would be more practical to go on foot. Kaidan was pretty sure he wasn't going to make it out of that one.

He chuckled lightly, running bare fingers over the cold metal of it. It hadn't been touched in years, the last time being Shepard wiping it down at the breakfast table on their last day of vacationing together.

That was a good day.

Kaidan had woken up early, trapped in Shepard's stubborn arms, in which couldn't bring himself to pry from. He sighed, one filled with absolute bliss, as he waited for Shepard to roll over in his sleep, or wake up himself.

Kaidan's face was inches from Shepard's. He figured if he could pick one place to stay forever, it would be here- mostly naked in the arms of a galactic hero. A galactic hero with bright blue eyes, perfectly sculpted cheekbones, soft, almost feminine lips, and a heart of gold. A deep, comforting voice, and a meek but larger than life personailty. Plus his skill set in the bedroom wasn't much to scoff at.

He looked so peaceful when he slept. Seeing the lines of anxiety that criss-crossed his face smooth out, and just relax was more beautiful than any sight in the universe. The expression didn't even seem out of place on him, because Kaidan knew that underneath the shouting of orders, and the leading of forces, there was a simple man under there. A simple man that woke up, ate breakfast, brushed his teeth, collected model ships, watched vids and made love like anyone else.

Kaidan's eyes were bright, almost sparkling up at Shepard as he groaned in his sleep, finally moving an arm up to the side of his shaved head. With the utmost care, Kaidan slipped out of bed and arranged the sheets so that Shepard's bare chest was covered and safe from the cool air of the 'sei always seemed to be like that- scorching hot days, freezing cold nights best combated with another warm body in bed.

The joy fluttering through Kaidan's heart had not stopped since their first kiss, almost a week ago now, he realized while pressing a couple of buttons in sequence on his coffee maker. He waited on the machine, leaning his hip on the kitchen counter. Not much of a kitchen, though- once small cupboard, a sink, an oven and a mini-fridge.

The smell of coffee brewing filled his nostrils, causing another smile to spread across his face. He could get used to this. He could get used to being with Shepard all night, making him breakfast, sipping dark coffee, maybe crawling back under the covers for another hour of snuggling afterwards.

Kaidan pulled out a carton of eggs from the fridge and a frying pan from the cupboard. Hopefully Shepard was okay with scrambled he thought as he cracked a couple eggs into the pan, fired up the oven, and pushed the whites and yolk around with a spoon he located on the countertop. He couldn't remember being normal like this, ever. For once, being a soldier, a biotic, a headstrong yet timid man of morals didn't matter at all. It was just him and Shepard.

Him and Shepard.

It was beginning to sound too good to be true, he thought, seasoning the food lightly with a bit of pepper from a shaker placed in the corner of the counter. It was a quiet morning, the sun just peeking out over the horizon, casting oranges and pinks all over the sky. Kaidan grabbed two cups, pouring the coffee while admiring the view. Shepard's was in a mug with a hanar on it, two sugars and a teaspoon of cream, with Kaidan just sticking to the plain black coffee. He took a swig of it, the bitter liquid burning his throat.

Kaidan sputtered- covering his mouth desperately in an attempt to quiet himself from his sudden throat-burn. Shepard turned over in his sleep, letting out a deep sigh as he turned right onto his back, face tilted to the left. Still asleep. Crisis averted. Kaidan separated his now cooked eggs onto two plates one for him, one for the commander. He another drink of coffee before tip-toeing across the floor, being sure to not make too much noise. Time to wake Shepard.

His stubble was growing more, Kaidan noticed, standing over him on his bedside. Not long enough to be a beard, but the strands of hair were definitely more than stubble now. He had shaved his head the night before, though, and it always looked good that way. Shepard could probably grow his hair out, maybe even a full beard, too, and still be one of the more handsome men in the galaxy.

Kaidan let a thumb linger over Shepard's forehead scar, admiring what a charming feature it was, before running his hand gently over Shepard's face, resting it on his cheek. "Hey..." He cooed, husky and rich voice just barely louder than a breath.

"Mnnn..." Shepard replied, stretching out over his bed. He gasped, opening his sleepy eyes to meet with Kaidan. "Hey." Shepard smiled, nuzzling into the palm of Kaidan's hand, cocking his head to plant a tiny kiss on the heel of it. Kaidan laughed quietly, getting on his knees so he could bump their foreheads together.

"Smells good."

"Yeah, I made you some eggs. 'Hope that's okay."

"Yeah..."

They both gazed into each other's eyes, both tired and worn but full of life. Radiating with excitement just because they were near one another. Kaidan nervously chuckled again, his feelings still so new to him he wasn't sure how to react. Shepard smirked at his awkwardness, slipping his arms out from the covers, holding his head, and kissing him full on the mouth.

Kaidan sighed deeply through his nose, gingerly climbing onto the bed over top his sleepy partner and straddling his waist, not daring to beak contact. "More." Shepard moaned, desperately deepening the kiss, pulling Kaidan's bare chest close to his. Kaidan would have given anything to say "fuck yeah, more", but he followed his better judgement.

He bit at Shepard's bottom lip before pulling away, playfully grinding his hips downwards. "Later. Food's getting cold."

It was Shepard's turn to flash a cheesy grin as he sat up, face glowing with happiness. He kissed Kaidan's cheek, soft mouth making him tingle all over. "Yeah." Shepard sighed, right next to his ear.

That was a good day.

Now Kaidan was lying in that same bed, exhausted, alone, and craving that familiarity and warmth just one more time. It was like when he first got back from Shepard's funeral, the incredible loneliness that turned him cold and bitter for the years to come.

He wished he didn't have to feel that anymore. Not that he wanted to kill himself, or anything, he'd be no use to anyone dead, but he just didn't want that looming cloud of 'Shepard's still out there, and he doesn't care about you' hanging above him forever.

He should probably move back onto the Citadel, he told himself. Escape from the weight on his heart, maybe get himself a new lover. One that wasn't going to die, then crawl out of his or her grave two years later. Maybe continue his career in the Alliance, teaching biotic soldiers how to hone their skills. Maybe have a couple kids, a dog, get a place somewhere sunny and warm in the long run. Die peacefully in his sleep while napping on the beach with a beer in his hand. That's all it took to move on, but Kaidan couldn't stop clutching that assault rifle filled with so many memories, couldn't stop thinking about all those stolen kisses, those nights in bed together, and all that time wasted trying to bury his memory.

His omni-tool beeped, shaking him from his melancholy state momentarily. The only other time it made noise was a siren-like wail that played when he got an urgent message from David Anderson himself. That beep going off right now only meant one thing- Shepard replied to one of his e-mails.

And Kaidan had sent a lot of those. Ever since hearing rumors Shepard would be back, he had borderline spammed his personal address, begging for him to respond, meetup, say something. A 'hey', an 'I love you', or anything. The one he sent after the incident on Omega was a slew of "I'm sorry, it's not what it looked like, I love you, please talk to me, when you're done with Cerberus come back to me" and the like.

Kaidan's fingers danced eagerly over the interface, pulling up Shepard's message, heart racing from anticipation and nervousness. What could it say, why was he replying now, how would he answer?

'Kaidan', it read. And he found himself tearing up all ready, holding onto that damned rifle for dear life.

'You need to stop. Don't message me again.'

And that was enough to push him over the edge. Kaidan dropped his omni-tool, curled up into a ball, and clung to that old M8 Avenger for dear life.


	5. Shore Leave

V.

The Citadel was bursting with life, and that would never change so long as the Reaper threat was taken care of before it was too late. Coming back to it was tiring, a little nerve-wracking, knowing it was the responsibility of the Alliance fleet to be preparing for the incoming attacks.

Even heroes needed a couple hours off, though.

The Presidium Commons was always the heart of it all, all the different people and species of aliens coexisting, going about their busy days, shopping, eating out, mingling and the like. Kaidan loved relaxing at Apollo's Cafe, a quieter corner of the Commons, sipping on some sort of alcoholic beverage that wouldn't destroy his insides, watching everyone just go about their lives.

It was the most relaxing thing he could ask for on shore leave.

"Major." A smooth, calm voice called out, of whom the owner stood opposite of him on the table. Kaidan flashed a warm, inviting smile in response, stood up, and pulled a chair, offering her a seat. "Dr. T'soni." He greeted, motioning for the young asari to join him.

"Thank you." She smiled, calm and quiet as she sat herself and scooted in. "How are you doing? You look lost in thought." She asked as Kaidan went to sit back down.

"Can't complain. Just trying to relax a little is tough with everyone so... Busy." He mused, swirling the batarian wine in his glass around. Liara smiled in response. "Everyone is awfully busy. I just got back from an intervention with lieutenant Vega, only because Cortez didn't think he'd listen to him. Trying to stop him from gambling away the clothes on his back took a little convincing." Kaidan smiled politely in response; not particularly caring, but enjoying having someone open up to him.

The crew had been distant towards him ever since he joined the Normandy. They probably had heard the stories, maybe from Shepard himself. And they'd probably felt the tension whenever both him and Shepard were in a room together.

"I don't mean to gossip" Liara began, averting her gaze, fidgeting her bright blue fingers together, "but Tali's been worried. About you. Are you and Shepard getting along fine?" She was biting her lower lip. Poor Liara, having to worry about everyone else for other people.

Kaidan shrugged, though, distant look on his face. "I'm okay. Shepard's opening up more and more to me each day, but... Well, you're one of his best friends, you should know how hesitant he's gotten being around me. He's just being cautious, for the most part."

Liara nodded, and placed a hand over Kaidan's, affectionately rubbing it with her thumb. "It was a strain on everyone during your absence, so I've been told, but he is getting better."

"Yeah..."

Pigeons tweeted overhead, a pair of elcor tromped along, talking loudly, droning on to each other. Salarians chattered away at customers in their shops nearby, humans and asari alike all munched on food at the same restaurant the pair sat at. Sipping wine and sharing a table with a cute alien girl. Not bad. It was a nice, quiet little moment, and he was cherishing it. So much that he felt he could finally break the news to the Shadow Broker herself.

"Shepard and I are seeing each other again." Kaidan announced, matter-of-factly, smiling at the table. He felt like a giddy schoolboy, admitting to having his first crush. "I think things are starting to look better for him and I all together. I know a relationship's not a priority at times like these, but with what Shepard and I have been through, it certainly isn't hurting. Plus I'm starting to think he'd be going crazy if I weren't there for him right now. I know we've had our disagreements in the past, maybe a bit more history than a normal, healthy couple should, but..."

"On Omega, you mean. Horizon. Oh, and those e-mails." Liara noted aloud. Right, the Shadow Broker.

"Yeah, all that. I think we've both grown from it. And once the reapers are gone, it's just going to get better. I know he said he never wanted to talk to me again at one point, but after he kept meeting me in the hospital, I think all that dissolved pretty quickly. That's a good sign, right?"

Liara made a noise in agreement. "I'm happy for you two. That tiny bit of optimism and hope is what everyone needs right now. But, as Shepard's friend, I just need to warn you in saying that if you are to hurt him again, you'll be punished accordingly." She quipped, playfully. Before Kaidan could laugh and sound off a 'yes ma'am', salute included, she motioned to the crowds behind him. "Speaking of Shepard."

Kaidan spun around in his chair, watching John Shepard, larger than life, walking about among all the normal citizens, head up, shoulders board, eyes on whatever his target was. He looked so good in his new leather jacket, scars almost completely healed up since Horizon and Omega, red glow in his eyes almost non-existent, unless you stared deep into them after a long, hard day.

He had aged, too, his face looking more worn by the day, the wrinkles around his eyes deepening, his natural, authoritative fire beginning to burn out now at the cusp of the war, the weight of the galaxy bearing down on him. The only time he would see him look younger and happy is when Kaidan was in his cabin, sitting on the bed, helping him organize data files, feeding his fish, or falling asleep in his lap.

"I'll catch up with you later, Liara." Kaidan bid goodbye as he stood up, finishing his drink. She responded with a wave of her hand. "It's great to hear you're both doing well. I'll see you back on the Normandy in a few hours."

And with that, Kaidan was off, pushing through the busy crowds of the Presidium, careful not to bump into a turian, or a vorcha, or something that would slow his journey down, or otherwise assault him if he crashed into them in the flurry of bodies. He had to catch up to Shepard, he had to be with him. Seeing him alone on the Citadel never happened; he was always trying to talk someone out of a debate, or help some individual down on their luck by fixing all their problems before moving onto the next.

Kaidan seized little moments when they weren't busy and held onto them for all he was worth.

He finally came into a clearing, watching Shepard talking with a delighted looking woman at some small, miscellaneous shop. Shepard was smiling, too, talking enthusiastically back, but Kaidan couldn't quite catch what they were saying. The woman disappeared into the back, though, just as Kaidan caught up, standing by Shepard's side.

He looked so damned good.

"Alenko." Shepard greeted him, reaching out a hand that Kaidan immediately laced his fingers through. "What are you up to?" Kaidan asked, looking at the store counter. It was a jewelery shop. Interesting, since Kaidan had never seen him wear any in his life. Shepard shrugged, a mischievous little smirk on his face.

"Just thinking about stuff." Kaidan looked back to Shepard, getting lost in his eyes. Those big blue eyes.

"What kind of stuff?" Kaidan couldn't contain a grin as their foreheads touched. He would never get sick of the butterflies in his stomach, the contact they shared, the gazes they stole.

"Secret." Shepard's nose was bumping Kaidan's, faces so painfully close, lips ghosting each others.

"Tell me." Their mouths were already touching; not kissing, just breathing, almost desperately as Kaidan wanted to devour him there in the marketplace, despite the press undoubtedly watching from somewhere, ready to do a story on 'Shepard's Day Off' or how the first two human Spectres were 'hooking up''.

Shepard wouldn't say a word, though. He captured Kaidan's mouth, their lips pressed tightly together, almost as tight as the grip they had on each other's hand. Shepard moaned, one of his soft, desperate, and happy moans, as he swiped his tongue over Kaidan's lips, begging access.

Kaidan complied once he stopped grinning, letting go of Shepard's hand to wrap his arms around his neck as their kiss deepened, tongues intertwining, as they both sounded off quiet, meaningful groans. Kaidan almost found himself pulling away as Shepard's groin moved up against his, the sudden rush of blood to his nether regions shocking him.

They stayed there, mouths dancing over each other's, hips swaying in unison, Kaidan's hands now comfortably rested upon Shepard's stocky shoulders, Shepard's firmly on Kaidan's hips. Nobody even did a double-take at them. It was like they weren't even there and Kaidan could have melted, right there, content with life as John Shepard kissed him back, loved him even during the Reaper War.

Pure bliss.

They separated after hearing a coughing noise, the girl at the jewelry store holding a tiny box. Kaidan laughed as he saw her face, shaded pink in embarrassment from witnessing their intimacy. "Uhmn, Mr. Shepard." She tried to remain composed, showing off the contents of the box.

Two platinum engagement rings.

"Was this about what you were looking for?" She asked, unable to make eye contact as Shepard slipped a hand into the back pocket of Kaidan's pants. Their heads knocked together, Kaidan wordlessly agreeing with the implication of what Shepard was doing here by nuzzling him with his hair.

"Perfect. Keep them in the back for me, will you?" Shepard asked, turning his head to kiss at Kaidan's brow. His eyes fluttered shut as Shepard's lips dragged down to his eyelids, his nose, his cheek, his mouth once more.

"Perfect." Kaidan muttered before the girl left to the back of the shop once again.

"I know." Shepard smiled much too happily.


End file.
